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phthalombrageToday's Structures homework made me pretty depressed. I'd been working on the set for like three weeks, and I still handed it in not sure of what I was doing for some of the parts. Too many unknowns I couldn't figure out how to solve for. Terrible textbook I sometimes can't decode. In lab for Defects I asked pfeffy for help, and some dude came over and was like an expert in all things regarding structure factor and diffraction. I felt like such an ass - that guy uses the same book, but actually knew what he was doing? How? What am I doing wrong?
If I think about the environment/background I came from, I am doing great. If I take into consideration that I have a million complexes and worry about countless things normal people never think about and that nothing and nobody seems to be able to help me with that, that I was always better at the things I've mostly stopped doing now, I'm doing pretty well. But nobody important's going to know these things because when it matters, I am too stubborn to mention them, and they probably don't even care about the millions of excuses I have for why I'm dragging behind what I should be doing. I can't shake off the feeling of complete inadequacy, not knowing where I'm headed, never receiving much direction or positive feedback, sort of blindly hacking at too much material to be able to stay afloat. I lack credibility. It's hard to stay motivated by anything except fear of failure at this point.
On the positive side, I am getting to know other MSEs my year, at least. That's good, right?
So then I sat at my computer and watched a bunch of dance videos, and I've convinced myself that I can do something, just not what I want, because I want silly things. I'm still going to keep pushing myself - maybe someday I'll see the light and become competent? I know I'm a far better programmer than I was in high school, which is not saying much at all, but it's something. The little things, the little things give us hope or take us down.
Additionally please note that it is extremely difficult to make friends when you are terrified of people. I can't hold eye contact and hate when it accidentally happens with strangers on the bus. Today someone was going to fix my shirt collar, and I assumed he was going to put cheese down the back of my shirt and shrank away. I also tried to hide from everyone familiar when I was out at the DS table because I was suddenly unwilling to try to talk to anyone when surrounded by my dance peers because I would be doing it wrong? This is ridiculous. I am sort of like chrisamaphone's cat sometimes is about people - there's definitely the thing about not wanting them to touch you - but I am nowhere near as cute batting a hair elastic around on the floor. And I feel so guilty every time she makes the halloween cat pose at me: 1. I make kitty scared 2. I do the same damn thing, in human form 3. I can't even make friends with a cat. I guess cats are more picky about their friends than people, though, unless delicious treats are involved. Now it occurs to me that I don't actually want a lot of friends. I might grow up to be a cat. I may have forgotten what to do with the partial differential equation for heat transfer, but I can seek out warm places to sit just fine.
Yes, it's been a day. Tomorrow, though, I get a phone again, and Friday a warm soft extra blanket! And then DS, a joy and a disappointment, but I can't be happy about anything, so don't listen to me about that, and see it if you can.
If I think about the environment/background I came from, I am doing great. If I take into consideration that I have a million complexes and worry about countless things normal people never think about and that nothing and nobody seems to be able to help me with that, that I was always better at the things I've mostly stopped doing now, I'm doing pretty well. But nobody important's going to know these things because when it matters, I am too stubborn to mention them, and they probably don't even care about the millions of excuses I have for why I'm dragging behind what I should be doing. I can't shake off the feeling of complete inadequacy, not knowing where I'm headed, never receiving much direction or positive feedback, sort of blindly hacking at too much material to be able to stay afloat. I lack credibility. It's hard to stay motivated by anything except fear of failure at this point.
On the positive side, I am getting to know other MSEs my year, at least. That's good, right?
So then I sat at my computer and watched a bunch of dance videos, and I've convinced myself that I can do something, just not what I want, because I want silly things. I'm still going to keep pushing myself - maybe someday I'll see the light and become competent? I know I'm a far better programmer than I was in high school, which is not saying much at all, but it's something. The little things, the little things give us hope or take us down.
Additionally please note that it is extremely difficult to make friends when you are terrified of people. I can't hold eye contact and hate when it accidentally happens with strangers on the bus. Today someone was going to fix my shirt collar, and I assumed he was going to put cheese down the back of my shirt and shrank away. I also tried to hide from everyone familiar when I was out at the DS table because I was suddenly unwilling to try to talk to anyone when surrounded by my dance peers because I would be doing it wrong? This is ridiculous. I am sort of like chrisamaphone's cat sometimes is about people - there's definitely the thing about not wanting them to touch you - but I am nowhere near as cute batting a hair elastic around on the floor. And I feel so guilty every time she makes the halloween cat pose at me: 1. I make kitty scared 2. I do the same damn thing, in human form 3. I can't even make friends with a cat. I guess cats are more picky about their friends than people, though, unless delicious treats are involved. Now it occurs to me that I don't actually want a lot of friends. I might grow up to be a cat. I may have forgotten what to do with the partial differential equation for heat transfer, but I can seek out warm places to sit just fine.
Yes, it's been a day. Tomorrow, though, I get a phone again, and Friday a warm soft extra blanket! And then DS, a joy and a disappointment, but I can't be happy about anything, so don't listen to me about that, and see it if you can.
