phthalombrage | (no subject)

I had an appointment with an assistant dean thing of CIT and with my new counselor at CAPS. Kind of fail. Apparently when you pull on a dog, its instinct is to pull the other way. I am trying too hard. Other people will not magically step up and become great just because I desperately want them to. In fact, the harder I try, the less success I will have. Thanks.

I am spinning too many plates, say the echoes of adult voices. So many times, hard-coded into these beings designated as helpful to college-age humans. But I don't want to give up on things, and the things I'm stuck doing regardless are not necessarily my favorites. C'est la vie. Bitches. I'm going to be stubborn about this until I really can't take anymore. But I might cut back on ds in some form and try to be less obsessive about checking my email. Or maybe just the email. I wouldn't be able to cope with doing less than I already do; I already don't do enough.

My voice gets really flat and deadpan when I talk to CAPS people, and I always feel like I am repeating myself, but can't tell. Their expressions never change, never indicating recognition. I guess I can let it slide, but I feel like I'm obligated to not bore them with shit they've already heard? I don't really have high hopes; I'm kind of doing this more as a consolation for the other people I ask for help that point me to other people to ask for help than for anything else. See, guys, I'm going to counseling about this. I am okay.

I couldn't help laughing at the CAPS lady for just kind of staring at me searchingly. I felt like a plastic diver in a dentist's fishtank. The Matthew Fel(le)d Glisson Memorial Statue. Wide-eyed woman, concerned powdered face, separated from me by a layer of... something, looking like she doesn't understand how I'm living and concerned, like she wants to help, but can't. Oh god, she's just like my mom, except actually concerned about how I'm doing. I watched her office blinds blowing in the air conditioning instead of her face. One of them had a piece of metal slipped out too far. She was actually taking notes on a little pad, but I imagined she was drawing little pictures like chrisamaphone does. She didn't seem to be writing in a linear fashion, seemed to be retracing her way up the pad, seemed to have skipped a chunk in the middle. She was not looking at me nearly intently enough to be drawing caricatures, which is a bit of a relief, maybe? (I have resorted to doing just that in physics recitation.)

Seriously, I have very very low level of enthusiasm for life right now. It's like the Peace River back home. Overtapped and in a drought. I wish things would stop sucking so I'd get to stop talking to all of these random people. I want to stop working this job. I get disappointed when kids are not there when I call and when they don't want to talk. It's dumb of me, but it happens. I don't want to talk to kids with the string "sheashizzle" or "waynechizzle" as part of their email addresses. I don't want to call kids who were called yesterday or fifteen minutes ago because the admissions people keep making more lists and don't know how to make the lists update each other. I sound so cheerful on the phone, but I don't feel cheerful. I just don't care anymore.

Maybe when I drown myself in dance for the next week, I will be happier? I think I have a rehearsal lined up for tomorrow (oh god, Raymond, please come) and extra things on Saturday for my piece. My costumes are pretty great, though. They are here, they are black, they are stretchy, they fit, they are comfortable. Boobs will not fall out. We will rehearse in them Saturday. But I dunno, it's still pretty lacking. None of this is a challenge. I don't have to brace myself for any particularly difficult steps or sequences thereof; I had to lower my standards in order to choreograph. I am used to so much more and better dance. Too bad I suck at everything else I do at this school.

And CivE? Totally about lowering my standards. I feel like such a piece of shit, and then it's hard to bring myself to do anything else. I want physics for engineers and intro to civil engineering to just. be. over.

Sometimes here I feel like I am just sitting in a broken phone booth waiting for a repairman. Not quite trapped, but isolated and not doing anything useful. I would say I need to find fun things to do, but I apparently don't need any more plates to spin. I need to shrug off the lead mantle of this semester and THEN find fun things to do. Teach myself some new things, take up some old hobbies, whatever, just make it better than what I'm doing now, whatever that may be.