phthalombrage | (no subject)

Usually in my life, things eventually work out for the best, but string me along through a lot of shit before I get there.

I didn't get the RA job.

And I'm actually quite all right with that, because it would have been really hard for me to deal with so many people and to have to be accessible and seem happy and all that. I could have done it, and it would have meant free room and food and stuff, but it would have been rough. But oh god, so many weeks of wait. I hope I didn't get screwed over for other summer housing in the meantime. I'm trying not to get my hopes too high about any situation for fear of it backfiring gloriously like things tend to, but I would really like to get this settled so I can not be miserable next year and so I can do other things with my life than rove craigslist ads. (Keeping in mind I'll probably still need to seek out furniture for a while...)

In other news, my roommate was up at seven-something this morning, click-clicking away on the computer with sunlight streaming in the window. So much for getting more than five/six hours of sleep on ANY day! She doesn't understand the weekend.

I kind of wonder what my life has planned for me, though, after all this build-up. It would be a terrible story if it didn't eventually work out to something good. Or maybe just a sad and disappointing commentary on various things in the world. But we don't need another one of those. I feel like maybe if I knew what to do, it could get me out of this runaround, but it would totally be likely that I would go in the wrong direction and get boomeranged back after long and painful machinations. I wish I could talk to whatever's going on and figure out what the hell I'm doing wrong, figure out what I need and why things never seem to line up right.

I totally see why people are comforted by their god. I mean, I'd rather deal with shit than pretend someone who actually has control of things loves me and is looking out for me and there's some great master plan behind all of this, don't worry and don't ask questions, but sometimes there are so many obstacles to face. And I have so many dragons... I feel like I should seriously consider trying to go back in for counseling next year, oh god not with that same guy. But like, I think I only need to work with things that don't seem like scams.

So I'm not a coke fiend yet. (No word yet on how my brother's faring. :P) I'm learning somewhat from the past, and I always have a pretty good idea of what is going on even if I don't always understand why or do much about it if it's sucking, so hopefully I can keep going with this college thing and at least become independent in a few years. And get it in my head that I will actually be capable of surviving in this crazy world. And hopefully someday get to a place where I can even be happy with it.

Also, I'm afraid I'm actually a feminist. Even though I hate feminists. And women, a little bit. I want to cry about this to my high school Lit teacher. Who would smirk, because he knows he's always right. I just feel like I need to read some more Virginia Woolf sometime soon... I have some weird old-fashioned ideas and I always feel so free when I don't feel obligated to do the sorts of things I think these ideas tell me I should and it's embarrassing because damn women, get off my lawn and grow some balls.

I feel like I can usually get some sort of understanding of people, and that I'm usually fairly accurate (although I probably am a little too harsh on Kelly D. and this kid from high school Allseits and some others). But I never really do much with this, because I'm afraid of people and go to weird lengths to avoid befriending them. I am SO awkward around my baggers. If not for Mallory and Daisy and all the other girls on the third floor, I would probably scare them away from CMU for good. If the logistics of this were good at all, they would assign me different sorts of bagger and I would feel like I wouldn't have to gloss over what I like best about CMU and wouldn't feel guilty for doing homework on a Monday night instead of paying more attention to the girl with a cute outfit who just visited a sorority who probably doesn't understand how hard it is for me to talk to her. I can can feed them some quantity of Admissions propaganda, but I am kind of hoping to move to a better job because this is really feeding the flame of my cynicism, which is already crackling impishly in a huge fireplace or something, making huge wavering shadows of the walls. I have two more coming tonight. Next year when I live off campus (I had better), I won't feel obligated to do this, and it will be great, but I'm still waiting for the fluke that will make them assign me a bagger that doesn't want the "normal college experience." When I talk to this kind of kid on the phone, it is pretty great. And I would like to help them consider CMU more seriously, if they aren't already doing so, so we keep having that kind of people come here and do cool things. But from the sorts of baggers I see... oh god how do cool people ever find us?

Ducks cannot digest bacon? I don't even like bacon. Except ironically.