phthalombrage | (no subject)

of conversations with random people
trying to make sense of my life here
(&& my terrible life in general)
fail, with marginal successes
glisson doesn't think I'm creepy, but rigel knows better
although I maintain she's wrong about msarnoff
want to avoid my prior lab partner even now that I know about his crappy life
you have to go through people to find out things you want to know
so you don't waste time redoing easy things (like observing squirrels) or circling the drain
people are confusing
life is confusing
but no cop-outs
no wishful thinking
just try and work and try to work
I want the truth
oh, social inheritance
kind of wonder if lovisa is smoking or jogging this week
or if I noted that peculiar tendency in the handwritten journal I then kept
and what my handwriting was like at the time
it shouldn't be such a mystery, but I am random
and bitter, but it is my heart
with moldy purple spots
they are kind of fuzzy
got a shitload choreographed this morning after my roommate finally left for econs
ate some cheese out of a can
seriously, how depraved is that?
it's terrible for me, body and soul
if I have/ still have a soul
nobody would use my freshman dollars so
bought like 20 cans for cans across the cut
fucking overpriced spaghettios
why do they cost more than the things with meat in them?
but they're not mine anyway so ehh
somebody go out and paint the fence
gently, gently, the leaves are falling
internet weatherman tells me there ought to be some form of snow in the next few days
kind of exciting
it will probably be icky sludge if it doesn't melt upon immediate contact with surfaces
and tasting it in mid-air is probably a bad idea
(doing it anyway)
air pollution
pesticides and smoke and exhaust and bird shit
admittedly, the last can be ignored, like a non-linear term in a taylor series expansion of a linear function
someday we should go try to have lunch with briere
today was like a party
the demo wasn't working so he told us about his life
new facts, new insights!
brother seven years older, soldering iron accident, failed as an electrical engineering undergrad at mit
dearest alfred nobel got flat-out pwned
there was matsci
knew answers!
answered a question...
but choked a bit (eated it)
hopefully kathy is still working over holiday so I can eat with the author of my textbook
we showed glisson the terrible secret of space and jared and carolyn candy mountain as I careened around the room bouncing off the walls in a rolling chair
they should keep these things away from me
they should keep the cheese in a can away from me
they should keep the children away from me
some things are much less magical when your age is in the double digits
noticed I would be the first shot if a gunman suddenly burst into the room
my gunman did not come
actually, a gunman could shoot anywhere in the room
that game they play in the cluster is starcraft
(discovered, of course, not by asking people but by googling "hydras corsairs valkyries")
it amuses me to no end
excellent background noise
my brother found a centimetre-thick layer of still-sticky disgusting caffeinated goo in the back of my (now his) crappy car
claims it wasn't his
also black mold
hilarious
the pictures of erich geisert resurfaced
perhaps joshua would like to regain possession?
they say, all business-like, with sympathy in their eyes
"you're doing a good job"
yeah, okay, at least I know what's going on
but I can't forgive myself for some of it
and I did the same damn thing myself
well shit, yes, my dad dropped out of high school
I have empathy
I am not some spoiled rich white kid
if I ever get some kind of disease I hope people treat me the same as always
don't pity me
I want the truth
I get to escape faster with a solid reason
cancer is a coefficient of the square root of two
everyone and their mom has cancer or parkinson's or a stroke or something
and then they steal my cousin and take him to new jersey because they're still on the drugs
l'enfer, c'est les autres
but someone from Hell, Michigan won the lottery
I can't rely on other people
can I rely on myself?
I want the truth
going to have to keep searching, then
like SETI
oh god, how useless