phthalombrage | (no subject)

It's really awkward, having friends.

I'd spent so long with nobody to talk to, and suddenly, when I'm at my worst, more than one person has referred to me as "amazing" even when I was out of earshot.

So I've been told.

I'm not handling it very well.
I kind of want to tell them I'm a horrible person.
I don't, though, because it would only attract more attention if I did.
So I stand there until the subject changes.

And I really like these people. I was surrounded by friends at Forum. I thought it was awesome.

But there I was, making fun of the poor dumb speaker, using my habitual allusions to the macabre, not listening to what she said at all but predicting exactly what she would say next... I always do the same things. There are the same inside jokes. People find the same things funny. Why are they laughing? Things have to be really surprising or random to make me laugh. Either that or I'm hyper or trying to ingratiate myself or want to make noise without saying anything. Hmm. I'm just like them.

And then for the rest of the day I melted into new combinations of people. It went kind of badly, like something at Taco Bell or made with expired cheese. I can't really tell a lot of them what's on my mind. I have to measure my words, try not to offend them, seem more on their side, and still be brutally honest at the same time. Plus they don't care. And I can't ask them questions.

In the car the other day, somebody asked me a question: "How did we meet" or something similar. I think it was two people at different times. It really made me think.

I spent so much of my life avoiding people's eyes. I didn't see anyone because I didn't want to. I watched birds or my shoelaces, which were usually untied or coming untied. I didn't want to say anything when they were talking.

I didn't even join PVSpeech for a few months because I was afraid to have a voice. I was very careful with my words for a while, and then I began to plan everything, proofread meticulously before I submitted it. I don't really have a personality. It's starting to get to the point where I can say things. Then I realize I have nothing to say.

I mention PVSpeech because I think that's how a lot of us became friends. I couldn't see them and they couldn't touch me, so it was easier for me to say more.

Then there's Progressives. Most of my friends are in Progressives.
I think we became friends because I offered to carpool them around. The first time, I had Sasha, Calliope, and my brother in the car, and I kept saying random things because I felt obligated somehow to be amusing while there were "strangers" in the back seat. They were laughing and I was like... yay.

I remember a faculty/senior volleyball game a few years ago. I was sitting by myself looking bored, because that's what I do, and Sasha came over and said, "Hey, don't you live on Brookmeade?" I think I gave a one-word answer and she sat back down. Why did she just talk to me? I thought it was weird, but I felt special. Haha. Think of that when you say hello to janitors. (I wish I did. I always feel weird about it. It's always easier to do things like that (shouting greetings to strangers) when you have the mass of a group to back you up.) She lived right down the street and I never talked to her.

And since I knew some of them from other places, I began to hang out with them more in yet more places. If I saw them on campus I'd wave or walk over and follow them. Over break Melody called practically every day and it was fun. Sometimes we know what each other is thinking.

Paul sat behind me when I took French III. He was doing a study hall and I was in the class. I think I was afraid of him, but I thought he was cool because of his demeanor, mannerisms, and air of authority, at least about politics.

I think I though Chloe was cool because everyone said she was cool. Hehe. Than I discovered that I agreed.

I had known Calliope from Congres. I think I fed her pizza toppings I didn't like. I wanted the Level Ones to like me because I was pretty much alienated from my own level when I had been a Level One and only had Tay on my side that year. During Casse-Tete we pretended to be chouette and spoke exclusively in French. But after that we only talked about Congres. You can talk to a lot of people about certain subjects...

Since ninth grade I could talk to Lauren about virtually anything. I just dumped things on her and she listened. Before that we only talked about math and how much I hated my mom. And now I feel guilty for saying half of what I do because she loves life and is a nice person and I always feel pessimistic and like I want to disappear.

(I never know what to say to Kathryn because she doesn't like to talk either.)

Sure, I talk a lot now, but I'm not usually saying much of value. And half the time I'm just moving around oddly. I find it fascinating that people seem to appreciate that. Makes dance more useful. Useful is good.

And I dumped things on Tay for a while, but she gave me the impression basically to shut up and deal with it. That's what I end up doing, but I like to let off steam sometimes. I know I pile too many things on my shoulders. And I don't do homework sometimes because I don't feel like it. I have no reason to complain that my grades suck. But Tay is really smart and I can make really obscure jokes around her. I know everyone else is smart too, but she... makes it her duty. She does homework in the Media Center and always finishes it before she comes to school. She never lets herself slack off because she's bored. (notably: French IV, AP Chem.) Tay is really cool, and she always lets me follow her around.

God AB sucks ass. I shouldn't have been such a fuck-up.

And then there are people I like but still feel like I have to have a reason to approach. Like I'm wasting their time. So... most of the people I consider friends whom I haven't mentioned because I don't want to single them out. Leah? Ok, there are more but I'm done. *Keeps stumbling over vague words.*

I'm such a fag.

Anyway, I'm starting to ponder my motives. What am I doing? Shouldn't I be studying more?

I'm wondering if I needed these people. I have been depressed this year.

Driving, working somewhere much better than Howie's, Mark and Ginny's departure, increased fire from my parents, joining way too many clubs, a laptop with wireless internet I can waste hours on, now a cell phone that people actually call, not dealing well with not sleeping, eating maybe once a day, not being able to concentrate on reading books, being hyper in afternoons, not being able to focus in class, feeling like nothing matters, my grandmother doesn't want to talk to me on the phone, my dad's buying appliances, etc., car accidents, the old lady next door moving, making messes and hating that it's messy, not being able to draw or paint, not having pointe twice a week, getting on tap team then kicked off tap team, wearing corporate casual every other day and pants every day, sometimes being too lazy/tired to shower, not crying as often as I used to, hating when things get under my fingernails, making things that involve boiling water so I can use the teakettle...

I'm not even sure if I want to try to go to college. I guess I figure I'll have gone insane by then.

I don't know what's good for me and I'm not sure that I want what's good for me.

Don't worry, I don't want to kill myself and I like my friends as people.
These haven't been very flattering descriptions, but there are so many great times I can look back on and think, "Wow, great times."

I don't want to be mean to them, but sometimes I just want to fall asleep instead of being there.
Sometimes I hate people in general.
Why do I hang out with people?
I think I like to know what they're up to. People are interesting sometimes.

Yeah, I'm not going to do anything about it. If people still want to hang out with me they can, and I can drive them places and talk to them, but I don't think I want to let it consume me. This ugly sloth-type thing is what's consuming me (If I were Gilbert Grape, although I prefer Gilbert Blythe) at the moment. Via phagocytosis, as usual. (I always use the same examples. Kind of like a crossword puzzle. There are recurring words: the short ones to fill in the small spaces between everything. "Bobby of hockey" ORR, "highlander's hat" TAM, "early bird?" EGG, etc. Man, on the crossword today, it had "Pisarro's foes," who were the Incas. Sweet) I'm going to try to get my grades up severely and take the SAT and get into college and get a decent job and do the job and pretend to be a decent person and die when I'm old enough to die. Maybe I'll fit a family in there if I don't think I'll corrupt it. Or a disease or two. Then I can die faster! And go to hell faster! And not bring anyone down with me!

(If you don't know what to do, just laugh at me.)