(no subject)
Sep. 14th, 2005 03:54 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
phthalombrageFUCK
I can't sleep.
I couldn't stop pacing.
I hate myself.
I'm the problem.
I have to explain it to Mrs. Janoff.
But they can't take anything away.
None of them must know.
I need my job.
I need to go to college.
I need to grow up enough so I can go live on my own and disappear.
They won't miss me if they've forgotten.
You'd think that what I wanted to think would have made me feel better.
All I have is uncertainty and insomnia.
I'm not cut out to live with these other people.
I just blew the last page on my math test.
I can't jump high enough.
I thought I saw people in the darkness, flanking the road.
They were glaring at me.
Spasms of fear.
In my car, I think of crashing.
It would be so nice if it weren't my fault.
I can't tell anyone.
I want to tell Lauren, but I treat her like a frappé combination.
I see her and ignore her when I don't feel like paying attention.
I don't understand her, and she tries to be so nice.
I don't have any friends.
This trying shit is pathetic.
I'm nursing this little premature baby that was supposed to die.
Why won't they let it?
Fuck optimism, it only makes me worse.
I tolerate Kathryn.
I only like France because nobody else does.
Combined with the illusions of my childhood
Living in a cave
I didn't feel bad for those children in cages.
They get their escape.
And it's not their fault.
That kid on the video Leah linked me to got his.
If they died, it's still an escape.
No more gentle humor.
I'm angry.
I'm fricking insane, okay?
I can try to blame it on my parents, but they'll find out that it was me all along.
Meekly: will you please die so I can sleep?
I don't even know why.
I don't want pity anymore.
The other people figure there's another reason when I'm crying.
There is.
I force myself to continue the tears.
Back off.
Shout angrily, I haven't eaten, I haven't slept.
Junior year was supposed to be good.
This is supposed to be the best time of my life, high school.
It's such a nice school.
I don't deserve it. Nobody deserves anything.
I'm supposed to be smart.
And here I am, a whiny hostile bitch.
Fuck you teenage angst.
I'm kinda empty now.
Suppose I should start my homework.
How many people are hiding this?
How long has it been?
If anybody reads this, comment so I can delete this entry.
I'm just like Stalin, you see?
Help me.
I can't sleep.
I couldn't stop pacing.
I hate myself.
I'm the problem.
I have to explain it to Mrs. Janoff.
But they can't take anything away.
None of them must know.
I need my job.
I need to go to college.
I need to grow up enough so I can go live on my own and disappear.
They won't miss me if they've forgotten.
You'd think that what I wanted to think would have made me feel better.
All I have is uncertainty and insomnia.
I'm not cut out to live with these other people.
I just blew the last page on my math test.
I can't jump high enough.
I thought I saw people in the darkness, flanking the road.
They were glaring at me.
Spasms of fear.
In my car, I think of crashing.
It would be so nice if it weren't my fault.
I can't tell anyone.
I want to tell Lauren, but I treat her like a frappé combination.
I see her and ignore her when I don't feel like paying attention.
I don't understand her, and she tries to be so nice.
I don't have any friends.
This trying shit is pathetic.
I'm nursing this little premature baby that was supposed to die.
Why won't they let it?
Fuck optimism, it only makes me worse.
I tolerate Kathryn.
I only like France because nobody else does.
Combined with the illusions of my childhood
Living in a cave
I didn't feel bad for those children in cages.
They get their escape.
And it's not their fault.
That kid on the video Leah linked me to got his.
If they died, it's still an escape.
No more gentle humor.
I'm angry.
I'm fricking insane, okay?
I can try to blame it on my parents, but they'll find out that it was me all along.
Meekly: will you please die so I can sleep?
I don't even know why.
I don't want pity anymore.
The other people figure there's another reason when I'm crying.
There is.
I force myself to continue the tears.
Back off.
Shout angrily, I haven't eaten, I haven't slept.
Junior year was supposed to be good.
This is supposed to be the best time of my life, high school.
It's such a nice school.
I don't deserve it. Nobody deserves anything.
I'm supposed to be smart.
And here I am, a whiny hostile bitch.
Fuck you teenage angst.
I'm kinda empty now.
Suppose I should start my homework.
How many people are hiding this?
How long has it been?
If anybody reads this, comment so I can delete this entry.
I'm just like Stalin, you see?
Help me.
