I am bad electronics
Jan. 2nd, 2009 02:23 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
phthalombrageI find existing media an inadequate means to express my feelings sometimes. It feels as if I should invent my own language, create an image like none other, exhale my thoughts. I might come closest to getting this across to other people in dance, sometimes, which is probably why I stick with it while I let so many other things out of sight from time to time. Still, my discourse in this form is limited, and I typically won't really feel up to doing much else. I have no confidence, and it's not something I seem to be able to obtain. I fear I will never be comfortable with back handsprings again. I wonder if I'll ever have a friendship that lasts. Can I really speak French? Will I ever drive stick?
Life here is such a heavy weight, a destructive, erosive force. Things I see only add to my anxieties and fears about the future. Somehow I'll get through, I say, but in the back of my mind there is always a way out. Accidental, of course, because I am far too stubborn, and everything I see only makes me moreso. Maybe someday I will relax a little, but you never know. Being happy would make me feel so guilty, knowing what else I have seen. Someone's got to compromise, but nobody really wants to. Usually it is a woman that does, unless you're Henry Clay. (My mother hates history.) I am so bad at knowing that things have gone too far that I will go crazy someday if I head in various possible directions. There isn't just one, and I can't even be sure I won't go crazy no matter what. I have no idea how much is too much, when to give up, what is truly unacceptable, what is right and proper, what is expected of me. It occurs to me that nobody does, that I shouldn't be asking so many questions and should just act without worry sometimes, to no avail. Thus, I tend to perform unreliably, particularly under pressure.
I want to leave here again, which helps, but is not all of what I need. How to reconcile the past, the present, the future, when I can't even lay out all my options? I don't know if I am more worried about the future or the past. Really I should just quit being such an unreasonable person. I can't tell if I am a realist or idealist. I don't know much about myself for certain.
Life here is such a heavy weight, a destructive, erosive force. Things I see only add to my anxieties and fears about the future. Somehow I'll get through, I say, but in the back of my mind there is always a way out. Accidental, of course, because I am far too stubborn, and everything I see only makes me moreso. Maybe someday I will relax a little, but you never know. Being happy would make me feel so guilty, knowing what else I have seen. Someone's got to compromise, but nobody really wants to. Usually it is a woman that does, unless you're Henry Clay. (My mother hates history.) I am so bad at knowing that things have gone too far that I will go crazy someday if I head in various possible directions. There isn't just one, and I can't even be sure I won't go crazy no matter what. I have no idea how much is too much, when to give up, what is truly unacceptable, what is right and proper, what is expected of me. It occurs to me that nobody does, that I shouldn't be asking so many questions and should just act without worry sometimes, to no avail. Thus, I tend to perform unreliably, particularly under pressure.
I want to leave here again, which helps, but is not all of what I need. How to reconcile the past, the present, the future, when I can't even lay out all my options? I don't know if I am more worried about the future or the past. Really I should just quit being such an unreasonable person. I can't tell if I am a realist or idealist. I don't know much about myself for certain.
