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May. 12th, 2008 11:52 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
phthalombrageThis is the last night I will be sleeping in this room. It's an odd feeling.
I can still remember the first time I slept here. The thin mattress didn't look as comfortable as it was. It's not the most luxurious bed ever, but yeah, that's what I was thinking. There's also an imperfection of the paint on the wall where my eyes focus as I try to fall sleep. And a week or so ago, when people were making noise in the hallway during quiet hours as they are wont to do (my RA is sucky), I thought I heard my mother's voice, and it was terrifying, until I quickly realized that I'd been sleeping here all year, my family over a thousand miles away. I got used to living in Donner.
But now the dust will no longer be made of me here. It will be made of other people. Some other girl will sleep on the mattress that used to be my bed. Who knows what things will happen in this room, what things have happened in this room, the stories of these walls? The room will be cleaned out and reappropriated as it always is, and someone else will look out over Donner Ditch from this vantage point, unless they drastically rearrange the furniture. Which is totally possible. Mallory did. Only in the past week have I realized how organized that girl is. My interest in other people always piques as I am leaving them... She'll be back at the end of June anyway.
My roommate told me today she's getting a housing extension until May 19 and that she wants me to sleep here as many nights as possible. I've noticed she often waits to go to sleep until I decide to, these past couple weeks. It's very strange. She was an only child; she had to have been. She barely even talked to me. And now she tells me she will miss me and was very sad and lonely when I stayed outside of Donner over Spring Break. I didn't even know. It's bizarre. I was a lot happier away from her. I kind of dread having to say goodbye to her; I don't know what she expects.
Today in Storytelling Committee Paul talked about change. It was Serious Business, so I'm glad we got the long version. The room was dead silent except for the two girls studying for an exam and Paul's soft, measured voice, his syllables sometimes curt and abrupt, pregnant pauses as he shifted his gaze, blinked, reaching for just the right words to convey his points. I caught myself hanging on his every word with such a focus, it was almost as if I were in a church and actually cared about the sermon (instead of just copying the fonts out of the missalette), almost as if I were in love (I recalled something Rigel had told me). It wasn't the latter, but it was like that. Something precious. A reason to listen. It was impressive. Had to snap my focus around in case anyone was watching. But his words really resonated with me, and I'm sure with other people in the room as well, particularly people like Evan and Val who will be moving away soon. In case you can't tell from all the posts I've been making lately, I am fucking bursting with eagerness to move into my new place and start this summer afresh. I feel really lucky to have found it and am actually hoping for the best for once, not merely steeling myself for whatever shit gets thrown at me and resigning myself to just plow forward. There was another thing Paul said in his story, this wise man, cross-legged on a chair... you can't be afraid to say no, can't be afraid to fail. I am getting better at this. It's not a skill you necessarily aspire to have, but it's damn useful, especially at this university. It's not a skill a snot-nosed kid fresh out of high school even expects to need; it takes time to realize just how valuable and serviceable it is. I don't purport to fully comprehend it, but there were nuances in his story (it was curious that he mentioned his wife leaving him) that suggest I won't for a long time. There's always the next thing; you just have to wait for it to find you. Or go out and seek it, if that's what feels right. I'm not going to stay in this room after tonight, even though I probably have at least one more night that I can. I just have to suck it up, clean up all my shit as throughly as possible, talk to my old roommate and hug her goodbye, and press onward to get better acquainted with the new roommates.
If nothing else, I will endeavor to earn my keep in the Conspiracy of Awesome this summer.
This summer!
I can still remember the first time I slept here. The thin mattress didn't look as comfortable as it was. It's not the most luxurious bed ever, but yeah, that's what I was thinking. There's also an imperfection of the paint on the wall where my eyes focus as I try to fall sleep. And a week or so ago, when people were making noise in the hallway during quiet hours as they are wont to do (my RA is sucky), I thought I heard my mother's voice, and it was terrifying, until I quickly realized that I'd been sleeping here all year, my family over a thousand miles away. I got used to living in Donner.
But now the dust will no longer be made of me here. It will be made of other people. Some other girl will sleep on the mattress that used to be my bed. Who knows what things will happen in this room, what things have happened in this room, the stories of these walls? The room will be cleaned out and reappropriated as it always is, and someone else will look out over Donner Ditch from this vantage point, unless they drastically rearrange the furniture. Which is totally possible. Mallory did. Only in the past week have I realized how organized that girl is. My interest in other people always piques as I am leaving them... She'll be back at the end of June anyway.
My roommate told me today she's getting a housing extension until May 19 and that she wants me to sleep here as many nights as possible. I've noticed she often waits to go to sleep until I decide to, these past couple weeks. It's very strange. She was an only child; she had to have been. She barely even talked to me. And now she tells me she will miss me and was very sad and lonely when I stayed outside of Donner over Spring Break. I didn't even know. It's bizarre. I was a lot happier away from her. I kind of dread having to say goodbye to her; I don't know what she expects.
Today in Storytelling Committee Paul talked about change. It was Serious Business, so I'm glad we got the long version. The room was dead silent except for the two girls studying for an exam and Paul's soft, measured voice, his syllables sometimes curt and abrupt, pregnant pauses as he shifted his gaze, blinked, reaching for just the right words to convey his points. I caught myself hanging on his every word with such a focus, it was almost as if I were in a church and actually cared about the sermon (instead of just copying the fonts out of the missalette), almost as if I were in love (I recalled something Rigel had told me). It wasn't the latter, but it was like that. Something precious. A reason to listen. It was impressive. Had to snap my focus around in case anyone was watching. But his words really resonated with me, and I'm sure with other people in the room as well, particularly people like Evan and Val who will be moving away soon. In case you can't tell from all the posts I've been making lately, I am fucking bursting with eagerness to move into my new place and start this summer afresh. I feel really lucky to have found it and am actually hoping for the best for once, not merely steeling myself for whatever shit gets thrown at me and resigning myself to just plow forward. There was another thing Paul said in his story, this wise man, cross-legged on a chair... you can't be afraid to say no, can't be afraid to fail. I am getting better at this. It's not a skill you necessarily aspire to have, but it's damn useful, especially at this university. It's not a skill a snot-nosed kid fresh out of high school even expects to need; it takes time to realize just how valuable and serviceable it is. I don't purport to fully comprehend it, but there were nuances in his story (it was curious that he mentioned his wife leaving him) that suggest I won't for a long time. There's always the next thing; you just have to wait for it to find you. Or go out and seek it, if that's what feels right. I'm not going to stay in this room after tonight, even though I probably have at least one more night that I can. I just have to suck it up, clean up all my shit as throughly as possible, talk to my old roommate and hug her goodbye, and press onward to get better acquainted with the new roommates.
If nothing else, I will endeavor to earn my keep in the Conspiracy of Awesome this summer.
This summer!
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