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Mar. 21st, 2008 03:26 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
phthalombrageLast night I went to half price with five dance girls.
We went to Fuel and Fuddle. It was packed.
I saw Tyler and I think psyfe, if he got a haircut. That makes me feel creepy. The dance girls were staring at him because of his haircut.
What makes me feel even creepier is that I noticed that all the waitstaff, as far as I could tell, was girls with cute butts.
What makes me feel also creepy was that I made a that's what she said joke.
Kelly (not Duncan), finishing pizza: "It's so hot, and I'm full, but it's so good and I have to keep going!"
I am amused that they are not bitchy dance girls and that they also dislike Kelly Duncan, the only other person in DS that my usual group of acquaintances really knows. I am also pleased that while some of them rushed, none have ever been in a sorority. (Not all sorority girls are bad (Mallory), but... yeah.) Way to break the dance girl mold! They told little anecdotes and laughed, and were generally non-vapid. I'm glad to have found non-bitchy dance girls, but they're still not the type of people I would like to spend most of my time with. Shrug.
They also made me feel kind of ugly and manly, even though they're not the most obsessively groomed dance girls. But like... I hadn't put particular effort into what I was wearing, combing my hair, or even putting in contacts. I haven't worn makeup in like a week.
Angela turned twenty-three. She said she's always felt like she was twenty-two, so it's disturbing. I think it's interesting. I will probably miss her, but doubt I will try too hard to make contact. Then get over it.
Meant that by the time I got back to campus, they were putting the finishing touches on the Fence and I wasn't dressed to help clean up. The whole Fence, too. Sharing is for commies.
Anyway, it got me to thinking. I have circled with diverse types of crowds in my short life. Some of them would "never" be anywhere near each other, and I try not to mention things around certain crowds that would alarm or offend them. Trigger that I am not one of them. It's kind of useful for my job calling people. I can suggest that we have a lot of religious organizations without cringing, but I do have to admit that I don't really know that much about intramural sports. I would be a lot more convincing if CMU's website sucked less. Maybe it's a good thing they only have limited content and sporadic updates.
But that's kind of creepy. And it also means I have trouble figuring out what I am. I'm not even particularly bothered by adapting to fit others' expectations. I also think it's why I am "very shy" for a few months of knowing people. (Had to make exceptions in France. Lovisa and I sat up talking nights initially, and I wasn't quite myself around her, but I was a fairly good version of myself, cleaner, more optimistic and better-dressed, at least). I spend a lot of time making observations before I decide to speak. I have to know what to say and determine if I even want these people to hear anything from me. Sometimes it's better to just remain unnoticed around certain people.
It is not, however, acceptable to be outright fake. My brother lies to my grandmother because he has designs on her money. It's despicable. He tells her he goes to church and asks her questions about God. My grandma is touched and thinks he can do no wrong, but I know my brother. He's being an ass. My cousin said "I love you, Grandma" to her on the phone at Christmas, then snickered when off the line. Then my grandma told me how good what he said had made her feel. I mean, you don't tell her the truth in these cases, but taking advantage of old people is a real dick move. Thanks, my family! (Someday I need to write yet another pedantic literary novel about dysfunctional Southern families.)
I was /petrified/ of the KGB during the first meeting. It took me a long while to relax enough to say anything out loud. I refused to enter the cluster until October something, and even then I didn't say anything. I still have a lot of difficulty interacting with people I don't "understand" well enough, that I have trouble reading, or that I simply have not had enough time to observe. It makes me feel like one of those creepy park-bench sitters.
I am also a bit weird about people I suspect are like me. They might be finding things out. I don't trust them. (Note: This does not help one make friends.) I make friends mostly by who interacts with me that I can stand. I don't really seek people out. (I made an okcupid to see how much Chris and I were enemies, and am super annoyed by gross dudes who try to contact me.)
But a lot of the people I have known in Florida have been crazy fucks. I have rather dark impressions of humanity. People are likely to hurt me. I am not particularly apologetic for thinking this. They do. But I might set myself up for it, too. Shrug.
I am extremely hesitant to commit to modifiers other than kind of, rather, somewhat, and pretty. I use different words to refer to the same things around different people. I use "friend" a lot more with "normal" people. With KGB, I will opt for the more awkward, but more accurate "this person I used to know." I will not tell you if I /liked/ the poem, goddammit, and I don't want to talk about my musical tastes or probably about anything else I "like". It's hard to enjoy things.
I can mimic people's accents/manners of speaking better than I let on. It's most fun to do my mom's. I shouldn't really be imitating my mom for any other reason, or even that reason. I could probably have serious prospects in the dance/theater world if I weren't scared shitless of doing anything remotely sexual onstage, didn't hate fanatical theater people, and were at all confident about singing (I can, and I probably have natural talent, according to people when I was a child and more prone to do /anything/ people asked me to, but now I just /won't/, because I've never had training and am worried about messing up.). I don't want to seem like something I hate, but I let myself act like them shortly to mock them or just to get by with difficult groups. Mocking everything is a great way to make yourself confused. And confuse other people. And drive them away? Then it serves my purposes, sometimes.
(Oh yeah, my mom is coming up here for four days in April. Shit. I don't know what to show her. I hope she behaves herself.)
But despite all that, I still got dumped off by a bunch of those crowds. Maybe I just lost interest.
It doesn't particularly bother me that I do this. In fact, I am put off by people who encourage others to do things like "just be yourself." Fucking hippies.
I feel like an individual, but now I wonder if I come off as one. Maybe only with people I have let get closer to me? I probably worry too much about what I "come off" as. So I'm going to shut up.
So yeah, ate a sandwich I will probably never order again. Sweet potato fries are good, and other Thursday night late night people drink a LOT of beers.
We went to Fuel and Fuddle. It was packed.
I saw Tyler and I think psyfe, if he got a haircut. That makes me feel creepy. The dance girls were staring at him because of his haircut.
What makes me feel even creepier is that I noticed that all the waitstaff, as far as I could tell, was girls with cute butts.
What makes me feel also creepy was that I made a that's what she said joke.
Kelly (not Duncan), finishing pizza: "It's so hot, and I'm full, but it's so good and I have to keep going!"
I am amused that they are not bitchy dance girls and that they also dislike Kelly Duncan, the only other person in DS that my usual group of acquaintances really knows. I am also pleased that while some of them rushed, none have ever been in a sorority. (Not all sorority girls are bad (Mallory), but... yeah.) Way to break the dance girl mold! They told little anecdotes and laughed, and were generally non-vapid. I'm glad to have found non-bitchy dance girls, but they're still not the type of people I would like to spend most of my time with. Shrug.
They also made me feel kind of ugly and manly, even though they're not the most obsessively groomed dance girls. But like... I hadn't put particular effort into what I was wearing, combing my hair, or even putting in contacts. I haven't worn makeup in like a week.
Angela turned twenty-three. She said she's always felt like she was twenty-two, so it's disturbing. I think it's interesting. I will probably miss her, but doubt I will try too hard to make contact. Then get over it.
Meant that by the time I got back to campus, they were putting the finishing touches on the Fence and I wasn't dressed to help clean up. The whole Fence, too. Sharing is for commies.
Anyway, it got me to thinking. I have circled with diverse types of crowds in my short life. Some of them would "never" be anywhere near each other, and I try not to mention things around certain crowds that would alarm or offend them. Trigger that I am not one of them. It's kind of useful for my job calling people. I can suggest that we have a lot of religious organizations without cringing, but I do have to admit that I don't really know that much about intramural sports. I would be a lot more convincing if CMU's website sucked less. Maybe it's a good thing they only have limited content and sporadic updates.
But that's kind of creepy. And it also means I have trouble figuring out what I am. I'm not even particularly bothered by adapting to fit others' expectations. I also think it's why I am "very shy" for a few months of knowing people. (Had to make exceptions in France. Lovisa and I sat up talking nights initially, and I wasn't quite myself around her, but I was a fairly good version of myself, cleaner, more optimistic and better-dressed, at least). I spend a lot of time making observations before I decide to speak. I have to know what to say and determine if I even want these people to hear anything from me. Sometimes it's better to just remain unnoticed around certain people.
It is not, however, acceptable to be outright fake. My brother lies to my grandmother because he has designs on her money. It's despicable. He tells her he goes to church and asks her questions about God. My grandma is touched and thinks he can do no wrong, but I know my brother. He's being an ass. My cousin said "I love you, Grandma" to her on the phone at Christmas, then snickered when off the line. Then my grandma told me how good what he said had made her feel. I mean, you don't tell her the truth in these cases, but taking advantage of old people is a real dick move. Thanks, my family! (Someday I need to write yet another pedantic literary novel about dysfunctional Southern families.)
I was /petrified/ of the KGB during the first meeting. It took me a long while to relax enough to say anything out loud. I refused to enter the cluster until October something, and even then I didn't say anything. I still have a lot of difficulty interacting with people I don't "understand" well enough, that I have trouble reading, or that I simply have not had enough time to observe. It makes me feel like one of those creepy park-bench sitters.
I am also a bit weird about people I suspect are like me. They might be finding things out. I don't trust them. (Note: This does not help one make friends.) I make friends mostly by who interacts with me that I can stand. I don't really seek people out. (I made an okcupid to see how much Chris and I were enemies, and am super annoyed by gross dudes who try to contact me.)
But a lot of the people I have known in Florida have been crazy fucks. I have rather dark impressions of humanity. People are likely to hurt me. I am not particularly apologetic for thinking this. They do. But I might set myself up for it, too. Shrug.
I am extremely hesitant to commit to modifiers other than kind of, rather, somewhat, and pretty. I use different words to refer to the same things around different people. I use "friend" a lot more with "normal" people. With KGB, I will opt for the more awkward, but more accurate "this person I used to know." I will not tell you if I /liked/ the poem, goddammit, and I don't want to talk about my musical tastes or probably about anything else I "like". It's hard to enjoy things.
I can mimic people's accents/manners of speaking better than I let on. It's most fun to do my mom's. I shouldn't really be imitating my mom for any other reason, or even that reason. I could probably have serious prospects in the dance/theater world if I weren't scared shitless of doing anything remotely sexual onstage, didn't hate fanatical theater people, and were at all confident about singing (I can, and I probably have natural talent, according to people when I was a child and more prone to do /anything/ people asked me to, but now I just /won't/, because I've never had training and am worried about messing up.). I don't want to seem like something I hate, but I let myself act like them shortly to mock them or just to get by with difficult groups. Mocking everything is a great way to make yourself confused. And confuse other people. And drive them away? Then it serves my purposes, sometimes.
(Oh yeah, my mom is coming up here for four days in April. Shit. I don't know what to show her. I hope she behaves herself.)
But despite all that, I still got dumped off by a bunch of those crowds. Maybe I just lost interest.
It doesn't particularly bother me that I do this. In fact, I am put off by people who encourage others to do things like "just be yourself." Fucking hippies.
I feel like an individual, but now I wonder if I come off as one. Maybe only with people I have let get closer to me? I probably worry too much about what I "come off" as. So I'm going to shut up.
So yeah, ate a sandwich I will probably never order again. Sweet potato fries are good, and other Thursday night late night people drink a LOT of beers.
