(no subject)

[phthalombrage]

I mean, the comments in pen were rather a bit too encouraging, but the meeting got kind of awkward when I wanted to leave.

It went a little something like this. I can't remember it exactly, but the gist was:

"If you go over five pages, it's all right. You have a flair for journalism; I enjoy reading your papers. If there are six pages of great thinking and critical analysis, I will read all of them. I know you're not just trying to fill up space; there are big ideas in here."
"You've been speaking a lot more in class than in the beginning of the year... you really contribute a lot to the discussions. You're sort of contrarian; you don't just jump on the bandwagon. It's good for the classroom dynamic."
"Are you confident?"
Yeah... Uh... About this paper? What am I supposed to say? Yes, I'm more comfortable now? You're still people, and for that I hate you. Telling me this stuff will only make me more self-conscious.

I think my eyes betrayed me. Fuckers. I love email.

He knows I'm from Florida. He knows I wasn't dressed up for Halloween until his class.
There are other people like me.
They are fucking creepy.
I would be glad to have found a kindred spirit, but I don't really get that warm, fuzzy feeling. He's my teacher. It's kind of like how creeped out I was when my RA survey asked me if I wanted to form a "deep, meaningful relationship" with my RA. Jesus Christ.
He's figured me out enough to make my skin crawl.
He probably knows I can't take compliments.

I did a shitty job on that paper. I started it in the break between physics and matsci the day it was due, worked right through matsci and finished it up in the cluster. My conclusion was a cop-out. My paradigm case was just something that vaguely amused me in line at Skibo. But he likes it.

I saw him at the UC with his girlfriend like he was a normal person. He keeps a red bandanna in his back pocket. He played lacrosse in high school. Two can play at this game.

I feel like some great secret has been exposed. At least the kids in my class aren't as astute. I'm the introverted kid. I'm supposed to be invisible.