(no subject)
Dec. 1st, 2005 12:07 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
phthalombrageI waited until after midnight to post this because I had too many entries in November.
I'm weird like that- I really dislike livejournal.
But today was so strange. I let my mind wander.
After I finished my Timed Writing, Janoff sets this sheet of paper down on my desk.
AB Calculus 1st period, effective... today.
So effing weird.
I have to take a test on Friday.
4.1-4.3. Applications of derivatives. BC was on 5.3. Integrals.
I had used the pronoun "we" and the verb "are." Dumb.
Basically I'm going to have to work hard remembering things to pass this test.
And Abrams called me a straight A student even though this year I'm totally not.
"Doesn't matter, you still are."
My family's talking about it now. I wish they wouldn't.
That's the only thing I'm good for. Grades.
I DID NOT FALL ASLEEP IN HER CLASS.
"I think she's up emailing people."
NO.
The implications of it are tremendous though, the big step downward.
There are so many. I don't want to think about it.
There's nothing disgraceful about it, really.
Stupid credits, status symbols.
I'm just not doing enough work to keep up anymore.
Why the fuck can't I be like I used to?
Even when the raccoons were pacing in the ceiling and my hands smelled of onions and I stayed up till 4 AM typing
book reviews, I could still function and get A's. I could still concentrate on reading...
Why am I LESS happy this year? (And why have I totally lost my motivation to make art?)
I feel weird about my friends because I'm not used to being around people that seem to find me amusing/ worthwhile.
I mean there were a couple before, but we didn't hang out.
And I know I don't have to... when people break off from the group they kinda let them disappear.
And I feel weird about their frequent use of "amazing."
It has kind of lost its effectiveness.
And I miss the lameness of "thank you and have a great day." The irony of a flat boring voice.
zesty??
I put things into categories. For being a total slob, I sure organize a lot.
I guess that's one good thing about a chaotic schedule.
I was thinking about the nature of specialness walking across the field on the way to art.
Some things aren't special because I do them practically every day. But doesn't that make them even more special?
Some things I do are special because few other people do them.
Some things are special because everyone does them. The universal ritual of tooth-brushing.
Some things are special because of built up prejudices of sorts.
I hate how my eyes still drift back to the ground all the time.
I was thinking about how women are pretty on the way to math.
The things I used to feel back when I read so many books.
The ideal, sometimes the chase.
It's entirely nonsexual, I promise.
It's like... sometimes artistic and mostly symbolic.
Like how Lauren watches only female butts.
Even women that look like fish (Janoff) have the aura about them...
I feel like I betray them when my hair isn't freshly washed or brushed.
I hate having a body when I'm not dancing.
My right shoulderblade had muscle spasms during four class periods.
And then the things that nobody notices.
And that my parents have no idea what I do at work because we never talk.
I don't want to talk to them.
And living with pets.
And if cats were ninjas.
I was thinking about pets.
Why we're not afraid of them.
We've all been trained by experience for everything basic.
I thought about kindergarten.
About writing. The quality of characters, fine motor skills. The way I hold a pencil.
The way my left hand is literally retarded.
Whaling. Whaling on things.
En dedans. In the pond. En dehors. Out the door.
That's why Door was an egress. "Entry" seemed so out of place.
I can't wait until the rest of my life makes sense.
Friday Friday. Seeing Rent.
See the problem is: Lisa (the secretary) is out Thursday through Monday and Stan (ugh, using first names) asked me to try to put in more hours.
I told him maybe I can do a couple hours Tuesday to catch up.
It makes it tremendously difficult to get to dance on time, especially when I have things to type and copy and fax.
Whenever Stan's words, signature, or orders are involved, I need to be there.
And I miss my day of afternoon slacker time at school. Shut up, everyone needs some.
And I'm not going to stay more than a half hour into 6th period Friday.
Interact already has no club picture, screw it.
But I have too much to do within the ever so narrow time frame in which normal people operate.
I have it all figured out now. ^_^
I'm working till 7 and then I can pick up Calliope and then I can pick up Melody.
I won't let them down. I really want to see Rent, too.
I just can't get dragged onto any "excursions" on Friday or Tuesday.
Don't get me wrong, I kinda like the "excursions."
WhhrFUCK
The demonstration.
Christ.
WHY MUST EVERYTHING BE SO INCONVENIENT?
But it's okay. Really.
I'm weird like that- I really dislike livejournal.
But today was so strange. I let my mind wander.
After I finished my Timed Writing, Janoff sets this sheet of paper down on my desk.
AB Calculus 1st period, effective... today.
So effing weird.
I have to take a test on Friday.
4.1-4.3. Applications of derivatives. BC was on 5.3. Integrals.
I had used the pronoun "we" and the verb "are." Dumb.
Basically I'm going to have to work hard remembering things to pass this test.
And Abrams called me a straight A student even though this year I'm totally not.
"Doesn't matter, you still are."
My family's talking about it now. I wish they wouldn't.
That's the only thing I'm good for. Grades.
I DID NOT FALL ASLEEP IN HER CLASS.
"I think she's up emailing people."
NO.
The implications of it are tremendous though, the big step downward.
There are so many. I don't want to think about it.
There's nothing disgraceful about it, really.
Stupid credits, status symbols.
I'm just not doing enough work to keep up anymore.
Why the fuck can't I be like I used to?
Even when the raccoons were pacing in the ceiling and my hands smelled of onions and I stayed up till 4 AM typing
book reviews, I could still function and get A's. I could still concentrate on reading...
Why am I LESS happy this year? (And why have I totally lost my motivation to make art?)
I feel weird about my friends because I'm not used to being around people that seem to find me amusing/ worthwhile.
I mean there were a couple before, but we didn't hang out.
And I know I don't have to... when people break off from the group they kinda let them disappear.
And I feel weird about their frequent use of "amazing."
It has kind of lost its effectiveness.
And I miss the lameness of "thank you and have a great day." The irony of a flat boring voice.
zesty??
I put things into categories. For being a total slob, I sure organize a lot.
I guess that's one good thing about a chaotic schedule.
I was thinking about the nature of specialness walking across the field on the way to art.
Some things aren't special because I do them practically every day. But doesn't that make them even more special?
Some things I do are special because few other people do them.
Some things are special because everyone does them. The universal ritual of tooth-brushing.
Some things are special because of built up prejudices of sorts.
I hate how my eyes still drift back to the ground all the time.
I was thinking about how women are pretty on the way to math.
The things I used to feel back when I read so many books.
The ideal, sometimes the chase.
It's entirely nonsexual, I promise.
It's like... sometimes artistic and mostly symbolic.
Like how Lauren watches only female butts.
Even women that look like fish (Janoff) have the aura about them...
I feel like I betray them when my hair isn't freshly washed or brushed.
I hate having a body when I'm not dancing.
My right shoulderblade had muscle spasms during four class periods.
And then the things that nobody notices.
And that my parents have no idea what I do at work because we never talk.
I don't want to talk to them.
And living with pets.
And if cats were ninjas.
I was thinking about pets.
Why we're not afraid of them.
We've all been trained by experience for everything basic.
I thought about kindergarten.
About writing. The quality of characters, fine motor skills. The way I hold a pencil.
The way my left hand is literally retarded.
Whaling. Whaling on things.
En dedans. In the pond. En dehors. Out the door.
That's why Door was an egress. "Entry" seemed so out of place.
I can't wait until the rest of my life makes sense.
Friday Friday. Seeing Rent.
See the problem is: Lisa (the secretary) is out Thursday through Monday and Stan (ugh, using first names) asked me to try to put in more hours.
I told him maybe I can do a couple hours Tuesday to catch up.
It makes it tremendously difficult to get to dance on time, especially when I have things to type and copy and fax.
Whenever Stan's words, signature, or orders are involved, I need to be there.
And I miss my day of afternoon slacker time at school. Shut up, everyone needs some.
And I'm not going to stay more than a half hour into 6th period Friday.
Interact already has no club picture, screw it.
But I have too much to do within the ever so narrow time frame in which normal people operate.
I have it all figured out now. ^_^
I'm working till 7 and then I can pick up Calliope and then I can pick up Melody.
I won't let them down. I really want to see Rent, too.
I just can't get dragged onto any "excursions" on Friday or Tuesday.
Don't get me wrong, I kinda like the "excursions."
WhhrFUCK
The demonstration.
Christ.
WHY MUST EVERYTHING BE SO INCONVENIENT?
But it's okay. Really.
